The Seven Habits Read online

  The Seven Habits of Highly Infective People

  Title Page

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

  CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  The Seven Habits

  William Todd Rose

  Published by Permuted Press at Smashwords.

  Copyright 2012 William Todd Rose.

  www.PermutedPress.com

  Cover art by Craig Patton.

  Previously released as The Seven Habits of Highly Infective People.

  CHAPTER ONE

  Infective people are everywhere, man. They pass you on the street, rub up against you at the bus stop and walk out of bathrooms without washin’ their hands. They sneeze, they cough, they fuckin’ breathe the same air you and I gulp down to fuel our energy starved cells. We’re just lucky it ain’t airborne, ya know?

  But God forbid ya put the moves on that cute brunette with the nice ass who’s been giving ya the hungry eye all damn night. Next thing ya know, she’s got her tongue shoved down your throat and these microscopic terrorists are waging molecular jihad all up and down your circulatory system.

  Sad part is that sexy little bitch doesn’t even realize she’s a carrier. None of ‘em do. They go about their business like there’s no tomorrow: workin’, partyin’, tuckin’ their precious little incubators in for the night so they can slip off into the shadows and exchange infection with some unsuspecting host. Kissin’ and fuckin’, suckin’ and swappin’ juices— it’s the perfect recipe for contagion. See, that’s the places these toxic little bastards just love to congregate. Warm, moist, and dark… may as well be walking around with a friggin’ petri dish surgically implanted in your crotch.

  But me? I know things, man… and I make damn sure to keep my fluids to myself. You won’t catch ol’ Bosley Coughlin stickin’ his prick into a full-blown hot zone. Not after the shit I’ve seen.

  See, I’ve become what you might call dimensionally unstable. I pass through time and space like smoke through a screen, man. Sometimes the Eye of Aeons just opens up in front of me and I see all those disembodied hands squirmin’ and writhin’, clawin’ at that smoke-like fire they’re trapped in; they grab onto the edges and start pullin’ them back, forming a dark hole in the center no bigger round than a roll of toilet paper. They just keep yankin’ and tuggin’ and that pupil just keeps gettin’ larger and larger— a dinner plate, a manhole cover, the front tire of an eighteen wheeler— eventually all those things look like tiny polka dots compared to that circular void, man. The reds and blues and oranges pulse out from it, wavering in the air like heat above the sidewalk, all flickering and pretty and hypnotic. Before long, you can’t look away from this aurora pupillae any more than you could turn your face from God.

  And that’s when the wind starts suckin’ at ya. It rustles your clothes and hair and somehow blows both hot and cold all at once, beads of sweat leak out from pores even as chillbumps tingle your skin, you get this flutterin’ in your belly, like you might want to toss your cookies right then and there… but at the same time you feel ravenous, like you could eat for days and never fill the hollow pit that’s become your stomach.

  Before long that breeze is like a flippin’ twister. It pushes at your back with the invisible hands and pulls at ya from the front, makin’ ya stumble and stagger as you’re pulled closer and closer to that unblinking Eye.

  If you try to scream, your voice is devoured by the darkness before it’s even had a chance to rattle your vocal chords, and you can struggle to hang onto reality with all ya got… but within seconds the gravity from that pupil is so immense that your molecules seep right through your fuckin’ skin, man. Oh yeah, it hurts like Hell, you better believe it. It burns, it throbs, it aches, it feels like millions of tiny fangs ripping and shredding the nerve endings exposed after your skin’s done been peeled back layer by layer with a paring knife.

  Next thing ya know, you’re fallin’ and flyin’ and all these sounds swirl around you. Cries, laughter, whispers, the lull of forgotten languages, the hiss and crackle of cosmic radiation burnin’ through the cosmos. It’s probably what God hears when He’s wrapped up in the middle of all those prayers being hurled at him. And there’s this smell dude, that is literally everywhere. It’s a scent like a new beach ball, fresh from the package, so thick you can taste that shit.

  And then poof… just like that you’re freed from this prison of flesh.

  See, I’ve seen planets our scientists don’t even know about, man. Lifeforms that make you teeter on the chasm of madness ‘cause you just can’t wrap your thoughts around how something like that could defy all known natural laws and still exist. Methane oceans, mountains of diamond and rust, skies that look more like thin, veiny membranes… it’s all out there, as oblivious to us as most of us are to it.

  I’ve also shifted back and forth through that illusion we call Time. In the Eye of Aeons there’s no such thing as past, present, and future, dig? There’s just this endless state of Now with all these so-called linear points overlappin’ and co-existing. The closest I can come to doin’ it justice and making you idiots understand, is to compare it to those Russian matryoshka dolls. You know the ones, right? Kinda shaped like a peanut, all brightly colored with rosy cheeks and painted kerchiefs around perfectly circular faces?

  You open up one and there’s another, a smaller doll, nested inside. So you open that one too and be damned if there’s not another one of those fuckers inside it. Before long you’ve got all these matryoshkas clustered around ya like a pack of rabid grannies and they just keep getting smaller and smaller and smaller. That’s what Time is, man, only size doesn’t come into play since that’s an entirely different set of dimensions. But you get the general idea, right? Maybe not. But it doesn’t really fuckin’ matter now, does it?

  The point is, I know how the pyramids were built because I was there when the slaves were haulin’ those giant slabs through the blistering sun. I’ve seen the muck and mire bubbling like pools of hot tar as singlecelled organisms subdivided with the dream of someday pullin’ themselves outta that ooze. I’ve floated in the vast nothingness that was before all things. I’ve witnessed the beginning, man.

  On the flip side of this metaphysical coin, I’ve also been through Omega. Not the end of everything, mind you, not yet. Just the death of this inconsequential little species that inhabits a tiny speck of dust on a display case in the mansion of the universe. A speck of dust we call Earth, man. And let me tell ya, brother… we ain’t got much time left.

  Oh yeah, that’s it. Roll your eyes. Trade your snide little glances and your smug half-grins. I can hear your thoughts, you know. Once you’ve been through the Eye of Aeons, everything is possible and nothing’s prohibited. See, you’ve got this little carnival barker in your head shouting into his megaphone at the milling crowd: that’s right folks, step right up and prepare to be amazed at the depths of depravity and insanity that can haunt a once healthy mind. See the twisted synapses and shattered receptors with your own two eyes… and I can hear it all, mother fucker. So laugh if it makes you feel better, if it makes you feel safer.
Yuck it up, goofster. Your opinion doesn’t mean jack to me, man, ‘cause I look around and all I see are corpses who don’t realize they’re dead yet…

  But, anyway… where were we? Oh yeah, we were startin’ at the end, right? Let this blow your mind, man: tufts of grass sprout through cracked concrete and ivy clambers over rusted hulks of metal that vaguely look like cars. And all these buildings surrounding us? These gleaming monuments of steel and glass that strive like Icarus to touch the sun? Nothin’ but mounds of rubble and mountains of debris that roll across the landscape like droppings from The Thing That Eats Worlds. Smaller structures, they’ve fared a little better. Some of ‘em still defy gravity with their crumbled walls and timbers turned to cinder by a fire that raged so long ago even the smell has faded.

  And it’s so fuckin’ quiet, man. More quiet than this planet has ever known. Not even the birds are singin’… because they know something’s out there. Their instincts tell them to stay still, to hide in the cracks and crevices of our fallen society, to pretend they’re nothing but shadows clustered in ruin.

  You know how ya step outside now, and you get blasted with a wave of smells? There’s the clouds of exhaust belching from cars and motorcycles and buses; the scent of fried food driftin’ from restaurants and minglin’ with cigar and cigarette smoke, and that hot asphalt odor from where they’re pavin’ down at the corner of Seventh and Emereson… On top of all this, you’ve got perfumes and deodorants and hairspray and sour sweat thrown in the mix. All that? Gone, man. In its place is this stench so thick it gets lodged in the back of your sinuses like a little nugget of rancid mucus. You wanna gag but somehow the air gets trapped inside your throat; like your body knows that once it’s been expelled, you’ll just have to breathe in another lungful of that greasy rancor.

  It’s how those mass graves in Cambodia smelled the time I found myself lying in the bottom of that putrid pit of Hell, only a hundred times worse. Until you’ve smelled shit like this, words simply can’t describe it, man.

  Again, I know what you’re thinkin’… everyone’s dead, right? Shit, man, if only it were that simple, but it’s not. Nothin’ ever is, right? ‘Cause there’s still a handful of people left alive, see. They’re burrowed down into the shadows like frightened animals, huddled together in little knots of humanity, and pissin’ all over each other because no one wants to risk going out in the open to drain the vein.

  They’ve got these tattered rags draped over their bodies, all covered in grime and filth, only if you look close enough, you see these faded patterns—Hawaiian print, Nike swoops, images of rock stars manifesting like their souls somehow got trapped in this dry-rotted mess of fibers. And as shredded as these clothes are, they still manage to engulf the emaciated bodies of their owners.

  See, these people have wasted away to mere skeletons, man. Remember that Ethiopian famine back in the eighties? That’s what these poor bastards look like. Bulbous heads precariously perched atop spindly necks, collar bones all sharp and angular above ribs that you could play like a fuckin’ xylophone. Their arms and legs are like shriveled sticks poking outta the remnants of their clothes and there’s always a swarm of flies buzzing around; those little bastards know they won’t have to wait much longer for the buffet to open its doors.

  Funny thing is, despite all this these people still want to live… They’re starvin’ to the point that their cells are devouring themselves. They’re shivering in fear and knowing old age is as much a thing of the past as the corner hotdog stand. They’ve got so much shit caked on their ass it’s like someone took a trowel and spackled the hell outta that crack. But they find some reason to take another breath, to live for just a minute longer. And you think you’ve got it bad, because you don’t know how you’re gonna make that mortgage payment next month? Fuckin’ candy-ass pansy… .

  Yeah, that’s right, I said they’re afraid. They’re fuckin’ terrified, man. They’re not alone in this God-forsaken cesspool that used to be civilization, see? They know if they so much as even fart, their miserable little lives will be over like that. It’d be like tossin’ a goldfish into a blender.

  It ain’t bad enough that these poor bastards are so hungry their own waste is startin’ to look good, or that something as small as the common flu could fill their lungs with pneumonia as fast as if their heads were bein’ held underwater. No… on top of all this shit, these sons of bitches have to be worried about being hunted, man. The wrong place at the wrong time and they’re bein’ torn into like barbecue at a fat-ass convention.

  You ever wonder what it’s like to be eaten alive? To have teeth tearin’ your skin away like strands of taffy? It’s some fucked up shit, cats. Doesn’t matter how hard you fight… there’s just too many of those bastards clawin’ at ya. You can scream, but there ain’t nobody gonna come to your rescue. The more ya fight, the weaker you’re gonna get… ‘cause your blood’s gurglin’ out so fast that Old Faithful would hang its head in shame. If you’re lucky, you pass out before ya get to see your own guts eruptin’ outta the hole that used to be your stomach. They kinda blossom, man; like they’ve just been waiting for the chance to burst outta all that fleshy packaging.

  I know all this because I was fuckin’ there when the shit hit that proverbial fan. I’ve seen things, man… horrible things. Things that would make you wanna duck beneath that cluttered little desk and never come out again.

  But that’s not the worst of it. I ain’t just seen things. I’ve got first hand, eye witness knowledge. See, when that ‘ole Eye of Aeons pulls me in, I’m not just some formless puff of smoke driftin’ around like a lazy cloud. Believe you me, sometimes I wish I were. That ain’t the way this whole dimensionally transcendent thing works, man. Fuck no.

  Once I’ve crossed over, I get drawn into another body, dig? Like water down a toilet. Just swirls me down and next thing I know I’m sittin’ in the back of this other dude’s consciousness and there’s a couple moments where I’m always real panicked like. It feels like I’m wrapped so tightly in wet gauze that I can’t so much as wiggle my big toe, and it’s because I ain’t got a toe, man. I’m like those perverted thoughts that go through your mind when you see a nice piece of tail struttin’ her stuff down the sidewalk. You’d never admit to thinkin’ this shit… all those humiliating things you wanna do to her, the holes and crevices you’d like to cram yourself into. But the voice is still there. Whispering in your subconscious this litany of phrases that start with Bitch and end in whore.

  What if that’s not really you? What if that’s some dude who’s been stuck out in the ether so long that he’s forgotten what a real woman feels like? Sure, he might still be there when you’re putting it to your wife or girlfriend… but that’s a muted sensation, man. See there’s a difference between direct experience and something you’re feelin’ through someone else’s body. The perception’s all jacked up. It’s like trying to watch a movie through layer after layer of cheesecloth.

  I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ more. Not unless you slide one of them there cigarettes my way. You give me a smoke and a light and I’ll tell ya more than you ever wanted to know. I’ll tell ya about survival, the food chain, infection…

  If you throw in a cup of coffee, I might even tell ya what you really wanna hear. The reason you’ve got me locked in this little room to begin with: Clarice fuckin’ Hudson.

  CHAPTER TWO

  The wind moaned through the city like a collective wail from the spirits of those who’d died upon her streets. Though faded by time and the elements, blood still stained the sidewalks and alleys in a hazy testament to a history of violence.

  When she was younger, Ocean used to squint at the splotches until pictures had begun to emerge; birds, rabbits, round faces with their tongues stuck out, and nice plump cats roasting over an open flame. They were darker back then, lending themselves more easily to the fallacies of imagination; now they were nothing more than vague, rust-colored blemishes.

  Not that Ocean was able to fritter a
way her time with the games and distractions of childhood, anyway. Three moons ago, she’d felt the cramps seize what her mother had always referred to as her musn’t-touch. Days later, her first flow had begun; nothing more than a trickle really, but enough to drive home that she was no longer a child. As a woman, she was now expected to provide for her own needs. She could still shelter with her mother if she chose, but the older woman was free from the obligation of sharing any food or water that happened to come her way, and she was not the least bit shy in letting her daughter know this. The woman had grown progressively cruel ever since Ocean’s father had died; the fact that her little girl was now an adult seemed to free her from whatever obligations had previously kept the worst of her tirades at bay.

  This was why Ocean was sometimes tempted to return to the stained sidewalks and allow the world around her to dissolve into shifting patterns of fancy. It would be so much easier not to think about the little knot in her stomach that somehow felt hollow and painful all at the same time, the hunger that was her constant companion.

  It had been an entirely different world back then. While not exactly abundant, it’d still been possible to pry dented cans of food from the piles of brick and broken glass like a prospector working a seam. The contents of the cans were usually congealed with a thick, jelly-like substance that coated the roof of her mouth with a musty grit and slid down her throat as easily as snot. But it had been nourishment, and there had been enough to keep them strong, to ensure that they could fight or run or climb rusty towers and then work their way along a route of half-fallen poles and crumbling rooftops back to safety.

  Now, those memories seemed like remnants of a dream she may once have had. The smooth flesh of pre-pubescence had been replaced by skin as dry and cracked as drought-baked earth and her once silky hair hung in scattered clumps, so thin that her scalp showed through like a mirage. Even when she was able to find food, swallowing wracked her throat with sharp, needle-like pains that made it seem she were being punished for her continued survival. Everything hurt, in fact. The slightest movement caused her joints to feel as if they were grinding against each other and her muscles ached like she’d been beaten with a stick. Sometimes the world seemed to grow hazy, as though a dense fog had descended over the ruins of the city, and her eyes would throb with agony as she tried to peer through the misty haze.